I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
