just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
