I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
