Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
