I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
