goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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