never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
And then my night got REAL pukey
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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