had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
