I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
