Someone shit on the floor
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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