see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
