smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
