when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
