i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
