Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
