So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
