And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
