what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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