Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
