Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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