Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
