Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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