I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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