Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You can't just leave with hair like that
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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