Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
