I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
