I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
