Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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