he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
