my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
