I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
