I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just gargled with NyQuil
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
