So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
