i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Farmville is her only friend.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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