i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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