John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
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I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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