everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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