Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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