So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
