You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
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It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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