totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
