I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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