Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
