hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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