i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Is it penis luge time yet?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
