I wish I only lived at night.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
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I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
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Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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