i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
