Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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