i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
