i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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