I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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