Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
