is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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