dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
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he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
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Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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