Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
