I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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