Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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