Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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