Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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