i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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