i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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